“A Man and His Dog”

WATSON: So, when I’m dead and gone, and you get another dog. I—
ME: Whoa! Come on!! You don’t just say something like that! What’s wrong with you?!
WATSON: No, no…just listen a second, okay? Just hear me out.
(Pause)
ME: Okay…go on.
WATSON: When you get another dog, you should name it Achilles.
ME: Really? Why?
WATSON: So that way, when you’re out for a walk, you can say, “Achilles, heel!”
ME: …seriously?
WATSON: Hehehe!
ME: Go lie down!
WATSON: Hahahahaha!!
————————

“Philadelphia: The Great Experiment – 1872-1899”

John Wanamaker, circa 1870

JOHN WANAMAKER!

(Boy, did I have fun taking him for a test drive! What an interesting life!)

This is from a series called, “Philadelphia: The Great Experiment”

The episode is titled, “The World Stage: 1872-1899” and I’m not going to give you a time-stamp because I’m kind of in this one a bit.

PRODUCER: We need someone who looks constipated all the time.
MY AGENT: Hold my beer…
ME:

(BTW, my lovely wife, Sarah Lynn Dewey, can be seen at the 18:49 mark in the July 4, 1876 scene. We were in the scene together but were shot in completely different locations and not on the same day! Ah, FILM!! 😂)

Watch the 30-minute episode here:

“Dispatches from the Borough: A few words on a miracle, while in the background, a dog pants”

WATSON: A Love story

ME: It’s not a…oh, yeah…I guess it is, isn’t it? Okay, roll the film.

WATSON: ROLL IT!!!

ME: You’ve been dying to say that, haven’t you?

WATSON: I absolutely have, yes.

(Pause)

ME: How’d it feel?

WATSON: It felt EXACTLY the way I dreamed it would!!

ME: Very nice!

(Pause)

ME: Wanna do it again?

WATSON: Yes, please!! ROLL IT!!!!

“A Man and His Dog”

April 14, 2021

The Dating Life of a Dog

ME: You coming in or what?

WATSON: Shhh!

ME: Why are you shushing me?

WATSON: Because I don’t want Bella to hear us talking. I don’t want to scare her away from coming back.

ME: Is Bella the new dog in the next yard?

WATSON: Yep! She said she was coming back.

(Pause)

WATSON: How do I make her want to come back?

ME: You can’t make her.

WATSON: What do I do?

ME: Well, you just have to try not to think about her. As soon as you stop thinking about her, that’s when she’ll appear.

WATSON: That’s crazy talk.

ME: Yeah, I don’t make the rules.

(Pause)

WATSON: Dating sucks.

ME: Sorry, mate.

“A Man and His Dog”

April,7 2021

Hi, I’m Steve!

ME: Well, hello there, Steve. Good morning!
(Pause)
STEVE: Can you see me?
ME: Of course I can see you, sweet girl. I’m looking right at you.
STEVE: But you didn’t hear me sneaking up, though, right?
ME: Actually, Watson heard you back there, behind the fence.
WATSON: Please, don’t bring me into this.
STEVE: Hi, Watson!!
WATSON: oh, boy.

Can we not?

ME: Watson, say hello to Steve.
WATSON: Hello, Steve.
STEVE: You said hello! I can’t wait to tell the girls! They’ll be so jealous!!
WATSON: Listen—
STEVE: We all think you’re just super great and so that’s why I told the other girls I was going to sneak up and steal a kiss because you never see me sneaking around and they all said they were all going to be so jealous.
WATSON: Actually, I always see—
STEVE: I’m sorry about your car. I saw on Instagram it got smashed by a tree limb.
ME: Thank you. It’s being fixed right now. Looks like it’s going to take a couple of weeks, though.
STEVE: I told the girls that it would be a shame if a tree branch fell on your car and you wouldn’t be able to go on your trip. Now, you can come over Watson! Since you’re going to be around, and all!
WATSON: Wait, what?
STEVE: I’m going to sneak away now and tell the girls! They’ll be so excited!! You won’t be able to see me, so I’ll say goodbye for now! Bye!
WATSON: Hold on…did you—
STEVE: I know you can’t see or hear me, now, but I love you!!
WATSON: I absolutely can see—
STEVE: Bye, Watson!!
(Pause)
WATSON: Can we go, please?
ME: The girls?
WATSON: There are no other girls. It’s just her.
ME: Well, she’s definitely into you, that’s for sure.
(Pause)
WATSON: I don’t understand the kittens, man. One minute they want to kiss you, the next minute they want to scratch your eyes out. I don’t get it.
ME: That is one of life’s great mysteries, for sure, buddy. I don’t know what to tell you.
WATSON: How do you handle Sarah?
ME: Ha! I don’t “handle” Sarah. I just try my best to love her better today than I did yesterday, and that’s pretty easy to do, to be honest.
WATSON: Yeah, she’s pretty great. I hope I can find—

STEVE: I wish you could see me and hear me, Watson. But I know you can’t.
WATSON: You haven’t moved, Steve. You’re still in the middle of the road! In the same spot! I can SEE YOU!!
(Pause)
STEVE: I think Watson loves me! Wait til I tell the girls!!
WATSON: I can also HEAR…You know what? I just…I need to lie down for a minute.
ME: You poor guy. Love does hurt.
WATSON: Shut up, Dude.
ME: Hahaha!

Hehehe!

___________