“A Man and His Dog”

March 17, 2021

WATSON: YOU GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KNOCK YOU OUT! I WILL SLAP YOU INTO A PAST LIFE!! I WILL TAKE YOUR LUNCH MONEY AND BUY YOUR GIRLFRIEND A HEALTHY SNACK!!!
ME: WATSON!!
WATSON: what?
ME: What the hell are you yelling about?
WATSON: I’m protecting the house.
ME: From what?
WATSON: From the dogs in the neighborhood and any intruder who comes along. But, specifically, this one dog—who isn’t here anymore, but he was just here a minute ago—who came walking right up to the glass! I was like, “DUDE!”
Then, I showed him what’s what, when I gave him what for.
ME: You told him off, did you?
WATSON: We had words, you could say, yeah.
(Pause)
ME: You were talking to yourself.
WATSON: Sometimes it feels like that, doesn’t it?
ME: No, I mean, you were literally talking to yourself. Your reflection. The glass door is closed; no one was listening.
WATSON: Closed, you say??
ME: Yes, and you know it was. Would you like me to open it so you can repeat your warning to the other dogs and would-be intruders out there?
WATSON: No, I’m good. I’m due on the end of the couch in, like, five minutes, anyway.
(Pause)
ME: Did you say, “I’ll buy your girlfriend a healthy snack”?
WATSON: I think I must have blacked out right before that.
ME: Ahh
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