I don’t like myself much when I’m not able to run

bwrunner1I haven’t run in three weeks, not a step.  I’ve been suffering from vertigo.  I’ve been dealing with that for over a year now, so I’m not really sure why it’s got me down lately.

In fact, I went to the doctor about it (finally!…I know, I know).  She gave me some meds and told me to up my vitamins, so…

The thing about the vertigo is that it comes on so randomly.  I can never predict when I’ll have an episode.  It only lasts for about ten seconds every time and I can feel it coming on, but it’s just so random.

When vertigo strikes, it comes out of nowhere.  I could never put my finger on what was causing it.  At first, I thought maybe I was dehydrated, so I drank plenty of water and it still happened.  Randomly.  Then I thought maybe I was just looking at my computer screen for too long, but that wasn’t it, either.  Maybe the new vitamins will work.  We’ll see.

I don’t like myself when I’m not able to run.  I think what happens when I stop running for too long is that I start drinking more.  I start drinking more and writing less.  I start drinking more, writing less, and feeling depressed.

That’s what happens when I stop running for too long.

I had been training pretty hard for the Philadelphia Marathon but had to withdrawal because of the vertigo and the lack of down-the-stretch training.  That hurt, having to withdrawal.  I felt like I wasn’t in control of my own body; I couldn’t tell it what to do like I’ve been able to do pretty much my entire life.

I’ve been on the vitamins for a few days now and I don’t feel much different, but I haven’t had another episode, so there’s that.

I’ll get back out there, maybe later today.  Will something bad happen?  Will I have an episode in the middle of a run and have trouble getting back home?  Maybe.  But if I don’t try, I won’t ever know.  What I do know is that I’ll drink too much, write too little and feel too depressed about things I know I can’t control.  I don’t like myself when I get like that.

I don’t like myself when I’m not able to run.

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